she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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