I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
