I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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