"it" just moved
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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