At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
