I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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