Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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