If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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