Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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