I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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