So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you didnt know i had herpes?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
