I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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