I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
