You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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