I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
