Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
