OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
