Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
