Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
