Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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