this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
