im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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