You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
