No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
