if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
