Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
