I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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