My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
