Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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