what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Two words: blizzard sex
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
