apparently the secret to your success is patron
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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