foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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