fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
