Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
