...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
