Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
