new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
