i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
