You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
