I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
