I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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