theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
