you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
