seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
40s are totally the cure
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
