Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
