i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
