I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
