My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I believe in your delicious
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
