Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
