Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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