The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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